Miata Mailing List: October 1998, Message #54

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Food Spoilage Test 
FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! 
EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.
 DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt
is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is
spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you
realize you've never purchased that kind.
 MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise
is spoiled.
 FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled -
(or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
 EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps
you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
 MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a
three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
 BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable
"spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and
hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your
bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
 FLOUR Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
 SALT It never spoils.
 CEREAL It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded
when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
 LETTUCE Bib lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns
liquid.
 CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
 CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
 RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
 POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy
undergrowth.
 CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the
floor, it has gone bad.
 EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an
old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
 UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to
discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware
containers should not burp when you open them.
 GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average
life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to
gauge this.